Groundhog Daze
Man versus Groundhog
I own an experimental farm. I’ve even written a book about it.
What do you do when a groundhog tunnels under your walkway, causing multiple collapses? I could have hired a professional vermin remover, but instead I consulted Caddyshack.* The 1982 film, in which Bill Murray attempts to capture a tunnel-digging rodent, has long been considered a comedy; I saw it as a training film. Then again, Bill Murray was outsmarted by the tunneling rodent, and, well, so was I... for a time.
Experts agree that dumping dog poop down the hole will compel groundhogs to leave. But I don’t have a dog, and asking neighbors to “save their dog poop for a project I’m working on,” seemed untenable. So I acquired a live trap from the local farm supply story; but what to use as bait? I briefly considered the “honeytrap” strategy, using a stuffed toy that resembled a shapely female groundhog, with extra long eyelashes. But then I noticed that the groundhog loved mum flowers, so I threw a bunch into the trap and yes, I had a groundhog.
I even started Googling “Groundhogs as Pets”
Now what? The rodent needed to be relocated far, far away because they will absolutely try to return. So I started driving: across an interstate, over two large rivers, and into a major nature preserve. I expected a lot of cage-rattling on the ride, but the groundhog was amazingly relaxed. I even took a liking to the friendly furry fellow and started googling “groundhogs as pets.” Alas it’s illegal to keep them.
So, under cover of darkness, I found an isolated spot in the preserve, opened the cage door and-- (my attorney advised me not to complete this sentence because it is illegal to release groundhogs into the wild in Wisconsin. So I make no such admission heretofore.).
Relieved, I went home to experience my own version of the Groundhog Day movie: as the groundhog was right back where he started. A closer look revealed this was a different groundhog; smaller, perhaps a female. Catching #2 was easy. She was released in the same spot as the boy, and squeals were immediately heard as the two friends seem to connect.
With a happy ending like that, wouldn’t this be a great storyline for a children’s book? Actually from the groundhog’s perspective, this must seem more like an alien abduction horror tale: they were captured by a hideous giant—and transported in a strange metal vehicle from the planet “Onda.” (The “H”on my car fell off.) . Then the Ondans rocketed away, leaving no evidence of the incident. Would the other groundhogs even believe this?
* Bill Murray starred in both Caddyshack and Groundhog Day. Despite the title, Murray did not actually interact with any groundhogs in Groundhog Day. However, he did hunt groundhogs in Caddyshack--although his character in the film referred to the rodents as “gophers.” Scholars have debated for years about the exact species of Murray’s nemesis. But a recent review of the scientific literature suggests that the movie animal’s size, coloring, and horizontal tunneling skills more closely align with the species known as Marmota monax, i.e groundhog.